Comcast Sucks: a Super Profane Rant – Do Not Read

by | Sep 25, 2015 | Blog | 16 comments

WARNING: Profanity ahead. Don’t read this if you are my mom or you can’t handle profanity. 

How can any company possibly have as terrible customer service as Comcast? It’s like, to suck this bad, they seriously must go out and recruit college students who major in subjects like “Go Fuck Yourself” and “Eat Shit Assface, I Hate You.” They find them, hire them, and have them shape their company direction. There is literally no other way a company could possibly suck as bad as this terrible abortion of anything resembling the idea of customer focused enterprise that is Comcast. God, I hate them.

Now, I get it. This is America. This is 2015. We all pretty much sold out, bent over, and resigned ourselves to taking it up the ass by anyone and everyone that is selling some kind of entertainment. GIVE ME MY FLASHING LIGHT BOX!!! We need our stimulus, baby, and the market delivers what the people want. So, yeah, we got our giant screen TVs and our giant small-screen smartphones and even tiny-ass watch screens now. Don’t let me miss my show, my text, my Instagram!

We all do it, in our own way. A bunch of fucking crack-head losers binge watching Game of Thrones and Orange is the New Black or whatever other stupid ass shows we watch. Or sports. Or just gambling on sports … I mean, uh, Draft Kings <cough> “fantasy sports” <cough>, it’s not the same as gambling, so it’s not a problem that the NFL and whoever else is sponsoring that shit now. It just looks like gambling, but it’s not a duck. Seriously. It’s not. Hey, but at least we don’t have the death of pro boxing and, more recently, FIFA to suggest that’s a horrible idea.

Fuck us.

We are such stupid pieces of shit. We keep taking this crap. We pay the bills. I’m paying the bill. I’m not pointing this rant at you, man. I pay my goddamn cable bill too, same as you. Even though this new stupid-ass Xfinity modem they talked me into is shit. It’s such shit. I can’t even express in words how much shit it is and I write for a goddamn living. It’s like, dinosaurs were huge animals, like, the size of huge buildings and they could eat each other, as in they could eat a huge building’s-size worth of meat, and then, maybe some of the meat was rancid or whatever—because they ate it raw—and then they got food poisoning and got diarrhea, except not regular diarrhea but instead the squirts that can fill lakes, so they would spew shits the size of Lake Tahoe, and it was super rancid acidy soup pooh, and then there were thousands of them, too, all doing it, like a super storm of dinosaur herds all shitting Lake Tahoe-sized shits and yet, despite all of that, that still isn’t enough of shit to describe how much shit Comcast is.

But I pay the bill.

Even if it doesn’t work. Like, now that I have “upgraded,” my internet speeds are officially measured on the Slow-as-Shit scale because there is no other scale that measure slowness of this magnitude. Like, I could tie a goddamn USB with my data in it to a fucking pigeon’s leg and have him fly it to your house and it would be faster than me trying to share a video or something with you. These “speeds” are so terrible the unit of measurement isn’t the MPCP (Megabytes Per Carrier Pigeon) but actually now down to the MSLSS (Monkey Swimming a Lake of Shit Speed). If you aren’t familiar with that one, this speed is benchmarked by how long it would take a quadriplegic orangutan with Parkinsons and a horrible meth habit to swim across Lake Tahoe if it was filled with shit. My speed currently rates an F on the MSLSS scale, which, turns out, “F” means that the shit lake is frozen, thus further impeding the monkey’s progress. (Oh, and if you feel inclined to tell me an orangutan isn’t a monkey, you should definitely go fuck yourself right now.)


But it’s my fault. I pay the bill, like I said. So, fuck me. I’m responsible for my own misery. So are you. You are too. You pay for your bill (regardless if it’s Comcast or Verizon or the new nightmare that ATT acquiring DirecTv will become, etc.). You know it sucks, too. You and everyone like us know it, but we keep taking it. And it’s not just that. If it was just that, it would probably be fine. But it’s not.

We take our shitty internet service. We take our shitty products and shitty service at Walmart and even like stores like Kohl’s who charge more for their shit as if there shit isn’t as shitty as Walmart. At least Walmart doesn’t pretend like it sells good shit.

Our banks shit on us. “GO OUTSIDE AND SERVE YOURSELF AT THE ATM, ASSHOLES,” they said in polite and more tactful ways than that. So we did.

You literally cannot get a hold of anyone at the court system if you submit an excuse for jury duty that is totally legitimate. Like, as in, the system is literally, “Yeah, we don’t tell you if you are excused. Keep your eye out for a postcard that will look exactly like junk mail you get by the thousands every day … don’t miss it, but, um, yeah, there is literally no possible way, at all, to contact anyone to make sure. Sorry. Fuck you. Pay your taxes, though.”

And junk mail. How much of that shit do we still get? Like, has anyone ever actually responded to any of that garbage in the last 20 years? Like, ever?  Who is actually paying for that? Oh, and, now, awesome, I get “unknown” phone numbers calling my goddamn cell phone all the time now. Junk cell phone calls. They get our numbers every time they hack some idiot company like Walmart, Target or Comcast. Or the US government. Whoever.

Did you know the Chinese actually hacked a hack of our government bigger than the last hack you heard about, the big scary one that basically means almost everyone that ever worked for or was related to anyone who worked for the federal government is compromised? Did you know that? China now actually has hundreds of millions of fingerprint records in addition to all the social security stuff and other shit you are actually worried about now in your comfortable quasi-ignorant contentment, lulled as we all are by the dopey stupor of our flashing light boxes.

Do you realize that we are only just now beginning to talk about “bio metric security” for stuff like credit card machines and even the iPhone banking apps; like, we’re sitting all giddy and excited about how “safe” we’re going to be, and yet the Chinese already have your fingerprints. They have your fingerprints before you even need them to feel like you are safe. They literally have access to them before you do.

Our banks, our companies, our medical system, our insurance (Oh my god, don’t even get me started on how horrible these douche-hole companies are, and you know it, even though you pay your insurance bills like a good little bitch every month). You pay even though you know if you use the very thing you pay for, the rates will skyrocket, you’ll be dropped, or they’ll just find some loophole and tell you to go fuck yourself. And even after that, you’ll keep using it because you might be “a victim of some insurance loophole.” That’s literally the language I heard recently being used in an insurance commercial: “We’ll help keep you safe from becoming a victim of insurance loopholes.”

Like how can an insurance company advertise itself by telling you that there is shit missing in the shit they sell you that will victimize you. It’s a goddamn insurance company. Their commercial is literally like a husband, who married his wife and swore to protect her, saying, “Hey baby, I know I swore to love and protect you, but, if you don’t bone me an extra two times a week, I can’t protect you from the beatings you might get while I’m horny on the off days, you know?”

Seriously, WTF? They are fully admitting that in a commercial, and yet they know that you will shit yourself for fear of being a victim and pay them more money to protect you from the shit that they aren’t already protecting you from for the money they are taking from you … protection that you don’t ever actually use for fear of being victimized by them.

I mean, Goddamn, man, how is that not just obviously evil in the eyes of everyone? But we just write the damn checks. All of us. Even me.

“Victim.” That’s the ironic word of subjugation in our culture now. Everyone is selling you something to prevent you from being a victim: information access, so you don’t be a victim; insurance so you don’t be a victim; safety in this form or that, protection … blah, blah. Anyone who tells you they are protecting you from being a victim is victimizing you. Anyone. Period. 100% of the time. And yes, even your parents. They are over-protecting you, and you are going to be 35 years old living in their house with no life experience and no job for fear of all the bullies and pedophiles and racists and drunk drivers and whatever else out there that can victimize you.

We literally live in this world where everyone that we pay money to claims to be helping or protecting, but if you peel away the crap, since we all now know inside our hearts they are lying, we all know they are really just telling us to go get fucked. But we don’t care. We are a nation of crack whores who are willing to take a giant, shit-stained dinosaur dick in the ass as long as we can keep having our “safety” and our “entertainment” to distract us from our unending, impending dangers. We’ll do anything to not lose our cable access to our stupid Netflix or our cell phone service connection to that chick on Tinder who doesn’t actually want to admit she is looking for a relationship because that would make her needy so instead she sells out her soul and claims her independence so she can maintain her approval card with the feminist activists, who also don’t give a shit about her … just make sure to vote for our candidate we are supporting.

Seriously fuck us.

We have no balls. We keep paying and taking it. And I’m no different, so I’m just ranting. I’m just another dumb sheep using the very internet that sucks this much to write this crap and upload it at astonishingly slow monkey-in-a-frozen-shit-lake speeds so I can feel better, get six people to click like on it, and then when I’m done jacking off to how special I feel that six people acknowledged me, I can go back to playing Heroes Charge or whatever stupid game I play on my phone next to hide my shame.

Seriously, fuck us. We suck.


  1. Wes

    So let me get this straight. You don’t like Comcast? And Walmart has shitty products and service? I wanted to be one of the six to acknowledge you. And tell you that you are special alright.

    • John

      Damn, I didn’t even know you could read, so this comment is a bonus on many levels.

  2. Dave (Paraglider)

    I couldn’t fail to disagree with you less. And while you’re working out what that means, have a virtual beer on me.

  3. Pam

    lol. Well. Yeah. Sprint was worse. Went in there after I was in a car accident and couldn’t get a signal. Two guys there, nobody in the store. Told me, not their problem, call the 800 #. I said, “There’s a phone right there in front of you. In fact, you SELL phones, no? You call them. No one is here.” It got worse from there and ended with them repeating everything I said in a mocky sing-songy voice, like little kids, and I was like, OH YOU ARE FUCKING SHITTING ME… no they were not. I did drop the service and I still have a flip phone, not a smart phone, and I don’t even want the flip phone. Customers are just such an ass pain right? Stock holders, yay! Customers? Fuck ’em. I’ve actually been reading books.

  4. Jake

    Wow, I could barely make it past the part where you said you write for a living. I call complete bullshit on that. This is the most disjointed article I’ve seen in a long time. I couldn’t care less about the excessive profanity, no… it’s the fact that you’re jack-knifing from one thought to a completely different thought at breakneck speeds, with no real information to give us other than “Comcast sucks”. Not really a good writers trait. No examples of how they suck? Nope, just some long, drawn out visual of dinosaurs shitting in a lake to describe Internet speeds.

    By the way, I’ve never had a single issue with Comcast, and I’ll tell you why. Being my only provider, I researched them before getting them. I knew they had billing issues. So what did I do? I only got Internet, and did not accept the promotional deal they do where you get it half off for 6 months. I also didn’t bundle anything else. TV? Who the hell needs TV anymore? Oh, right. Old fucks like yourself who don’t realize you can get everything you need online now. Anyway, I gave Comcast no reason to screw up on my bills. So I pay around $60 a month for 50 mbps. That’s a fair deal. Haven’t had a single issue with them in over 2 years.

    I don’t know if you live in the middle of nowhere, or even a small rural area, but if you do, you’re lucky to get anything. It costs shit tons of money to run cables out to those places. People out there are lucky to have 1 mbps down with century link. I would think you’d be complaining about century link, not Comcast…

    • John

      Well, in my defense, I did say in the title of the post not to read it. So, any displeasure you experienced after that is ultimately not, technically, my fault.

    • andrew

      You must live in a bubble and not pay attention to the internet and the class-action suits against Comcast and the like for misrepresentation. Actual blatant lying on the phone about setup charges and unspoken hidden fees. I guess one must be as fucking diligent as you and spend a significant portion of their life sorting out the rhetoric which is ubiquitous with their sales pitches. I have dealt with Comcast for years, much to my chagrin, and although you indirectly admit their propensity towards corruption, you proudly swagger on about how reliable they have been to such a smart ass like you. At least the author metaphorically is consistent about his content; whereas, you are a despicable liar.

  5. Samantha


    All I have to say is he is a side loader lol

  6. Robb

    Cancel your cable and get an antenna for free over the air programming for your flashing light box.

  7. Drewbie

    Yes. Comcast sucks hard. Terrible speeds, terrible customer service, cables have been laying in my yard for 6 months now after numerous phones calls… being told I need a new tap but they refuse to replace it… yep. They suck.

    So, all you naysayers, how did you find this blog post exactly? Did you search for “Comcast Sucks Balls” or “Fuck Comcast”? If so, uh… why did you search for that if you disagree? Just bored? Just curious as to how many other people think Comcast sucks?

  8. Robert Morton

    Lmao! The MPCP and MSLSS made my day dude! Fuck!

  9. Bozo the clow

    Brilliant. Comcast sucks sweaty dog balls and deserves to be ass raped by monkeys with AIDS. Just sayin’.

    • John

      Can’t say that I disagree.

  10. Susy Porritt

    Hello Its me 😛 and thanks for this post

  11. Pissed as fuck

    No matter how much swearing I do, it cannot even BEGIN to express how fucking PISSED AS FUCK I am at comcast!!!!! I thought my landline phone was toast, so, in order to get calls, I used call forwarding to my cell phone. Nope, it was not my phone, it was, again comcast! So, try to turn off call forwarding, since I NEVER hear my cell phone. Would not work. Still forwarding. Try a dozen times…nothing. Call#1–“we’ll take care of it”. Nope, still forwarding. Call #2: “This will definitely solve it” Nope. Still forwarding. CALL #6!!!!!!! I AM SO FUCKING HOT, IF THOSE COCKSUCKERS WERE STANDING IN FRONT OF ME, I WOULD *LITERALLY* SLAUGHTER THEM!!!!! I wake up to a ‘missed call’ on my cell phone, where it had been forwarded…my brother, who is in town from out of state, because apparently, my younger sister is dying. Take note, I don’t give a shit about her (LONG story, TLDR: she is evil), but, I’d like to get the information. So, I call him back, no answer, so I have no idea if he called to go have coffee, or on his way to Oregon to make funeral arrangements. All because comcast can’t get shit done, can’t get shit right, without multiple phone calls and an act of congress!!!!!! FUCK YOU, COMCAST, YOU WORTHLESS SHITFUCK COCKSUCKERS!!!!

  12. Jonny rotton