So everyone is all into this goddamn Fitbit crap. And my fat ass, being fat, obviously was a prime target for Fitbit pimps to try to get me to get on board with this step shit. And I mean, I can stand to drop a few lbs anyway, so whatever.

My damn wife got me one of those insipid watches—just like every other health-cult following moron at my work has, not to mention all the suckers on Facebook and apparently the entire world as well.

Fine. I have one too. Happy now?

So there I am, walking and counting my stupid steps like a trained fat monkey, an adipose ape, a rotund orangutan. A moron, basically. However, follower sheep-ape that I may be, the first damn thing I did was turn down that ridiculous 10,000 step bullshit. Like any fucking human in America, circa 2017, is actually walking 10,000 steps a day. Fuck off. This is the age of Facebook and video games. 10,000 steps is not a thing. At all. Plus I’m 6’4” with long-ass legs. I live in Sacramento. 10,000 steps basically puts me in Vermont or something. I love maple syrup, but I don’t have time for that crap.

So I reset the step-goal thing down to 5,000 steps, in keeping with reality and, like, science or physics or something. This is just medical common sense. I mean, the friction alone between my thighs after 10,000 steps would ignite my taint, then my junk would incinerate, and the whole shebang in my pants would hit temperatures approaching the sun. I could literally kill everyone on the planet. Babies, puppies, everything. So 5000 is where I decided to start.

Rome wasn’t built in a day, you know?

So anyway, I get on board this step crap, and I’m doing fine for a week or two, but obviously to lose any weight you have to monitor what you eat too. You have set a stupid calorie threshold for each day so your narwhal ass doesn’t just keep packing on blubber in anticipation of those long Arctic winters.

Oh, and guess fucking what:  The dumbass Fitbit app just happens to have a calorie counter thing built in. Even worse, the whole Fitbit fitness program is all encouraging and shit about it. It’s nauseating. But, fine, I’ll play your stupid fat reindeer games.

I set mine to 2500 calories—and before you laugh … fuck off. 2500 calories is starvation for me. I can go to the Stage Coach restaurant on Florin road (best breakfast restaurant of all time) and eat, like, 47,000 calories just for breakfast—and that’s if I don’t eat the English muffin. Eating 2500 calories is, for me, like living in the worst part of the African desert where no food grows and the warlords intercept all the NATO food aid and all I can do is eat sand to make me feel full before I die trying to shit a colon-shaped sand castle.

“Aww, I know dieting is hard,” you are probably patronizing me right now. “Hang in there, Shamoo; it’s worth it in the end. Keep counting. Keep stepping.” I get it, you are trying to be supportive.

Well, you are an asshole. Plus, here’s where this stupid Fitbit nonsense actually completely falls apart, making you look even more horrible for thinking that:

Supposedly, if you make enough steps, you are doing your body good. That’s the myth. The LIE. Here’s why.

As I have just explained, in addition to step counting, these Fitbit dicks advise watching your calories too. So, guess what happens when you go from eating 47,000 calories for breakfast alone to eating only a microscopic 2500 calories in an entire day—INCLUDING CALORIES FROM FUCKING BEER.

Yes, you heard me, these people count BEER toward your daily calories. Beer! How did anyone ever take these fucking Nazis seriously after they said that shit outloud? I should have realized as soon as I saw this that these Fitbit people were all assholes. But I didn’t.

So guess what happens when you drop from 47,000 calories for just breakfasts to a meager 2500 calories in an entire day …

No, seriously, I know you are waiting for me to tell you, but really, think about that for a second. Try to guess what happens …

Fine, I’ll tell you:

You shit less.

“What?”

Yep, you heard me. You shit less.

It turns out, the less you eat, the less you crap.

“Duh,” you are probably saying at this point (if you aren’t just staring into the screen thinking WTF?). Either way, you’re likely wondering, “Okay, so what’s your point?”

I’ll tell you my damn point. Just think about it. I’m supposed to take 5000 steps a day to hit my goal. I was doing a decent job of that UNTIL I started counting the damn 2500 calories. But then, once I started restricting my food, I had less food in my intestines. Having less food in my intestines therefore required less digestive processes. Less digestion ultimately deposits less crap into my dookie drain. Less dookie means less dropping of deuces.  If I don’t have to drop deuces as often, then I don’t have to go to the can as often. If I don’t go to the can as often, then I don’t walk to the can as often. If I don’t walk to the can as much … <wait for it> … then I don’t fucking walk as much.

As in, less steps.

And just like that, the whole Fitbit myth gets totally destroyed. The Fitbit program literally makes you walk less.

Yet another weight loss lie.

You’re welcome.