So I saw this fitness app on the news the other day. They had done a study on a bunch of them and were running down the top five finishers. My Fitness Pal was the winner, best of the lot. Numero uno. There were four other top-notch ones—all great for different features and reasons—but I drink a lot and the only thing shorter than my memory is my attention span. So My Fitness Pal is the one I got.

I’m going to be honest. I thought the whole thing was going to be bullshit. “Hey, give us access to all your phone data and fat data, and we’ll spam you with ads.” But, whatever. It was on the news, and my ponderous ass needs to drop some LBS, yo.

So let me tell you: this thing is fantastic!It has like every food type and every restaurant you can think of in it. You just type in whatever or wherever you are eating and it comes up. They have even officially verified a ton of this data (in the app it says so, but they covered that on the news review too), so you can actually feel comfortable that it’s at least reasonably accurate.

Plus, it actually sets goals for you, meaning you don’t have to go to a trainer or something and have them figure out whatever you are supposed to do. It’s just there.

Now, again, full honesty, even with all the data-gathering and fitness experts “verifying” stuff … I figured the goals would still be horseshit in the end, a bunch of totally unrealistic crap. And trust me, you all know me. I went into this fully prepared to unleash my full powers of cynicism, sarcasm, and ridicule upon this thing, totally salivating to trash these bastards for perpetrating their fitness lies ….

But … Oh. My. God. Becky. Every single goal is totally attainable. Totally realistic. Even for my planetary-sized ass.

In the three weeks since I have been using it, I have literally never missed any goal. Not one. I even set a pretty aggressive weight loss goal too, and no, I didn’t and don’t read any of the app’s directions very closely at all. I pretty much skim everything. But still, I’ve hit all the numbers it gave me. Every day. Every number in every category, they’ve all been cake to reach. I was expecting some kind of unrealistic sacrifice, making failure a certainty. But it’s not.

For example, I had a Pepsi this morning for breakfast. Yes, a damn Pepsi—don’t judge me, bitches. (Technically I had two, but we’ll call it one for the purpose of this blog). But I had it, so I entered it. My Fitness Pal, being a pal, posts the calories and stuff of each entry onto the graph, and it even gives you the goal related to it for the nutritional things you are trying to hit (carbs, calories, salt, etc.).

“Your goal is 101 grams of sugar,” it says, or something like that.

It literally knows what the thing you ate/drank affects in terms of the whole chemistry of food and biology and whatever. It’s freaking amazing. So it told me I need to be aiming at 101 grams of sugar. Bam! Now I know.

And for what it is worth, I blew past that number by noon! The extra-large Baja Blast I had with lunch today at Taco Bell totally pushed me through the finish line. I was like, “Pshhhhh. 110 grams of sugar? Please. What kind of little fitness bitch can’t hit that?” After a huge bowl of Chocolate Lucky Charms, I was practically three times my goal. Winner!

Plus, it’s got built in ultra-motivators. Kind of like having your own personal trainer or high-school football coach. Or just some douche bro working out with you. Whatever.

For example, like the basic calorie goal for me, the whole day it’s like taunting me. “Hit this, fatty! Can you do it?” So I do. I stay focused, work all day to make it happen. And when I do hit my number … do I get some little pat on the back, pussy kudos? Hell no. The app actually issues a challenge to the goal, pushing you past the minimum requirement, like a coach yelling at you that you can get one more rep, one more lap, etc.

The app gives you a minus score, a negative, when you hit your minimum set goal. It puts it in red, daring you to work a little harder. It takes away some of your score—not really, it leaves your points up on the graph (so it’s not being mean)—but it’s like that bro guy, that workout partner pushing you. It posts a hypothetical minus score next to your full graph goal bar, basically saying, “Come on, bro, you got this, one more, bro. Come on. Push that weight up, bro. Don’t settle. We just took away 100 calories. Make that shit up. You can do it!”

 

So it will show that you just got like minus 100 or whatever on your goal you hit, so you can push to add a few extra points, the real ones, the ones that really make a difference in the end.

It’s just freaking amazing. It’s literally the perfect dietary tool. Obviously, I love this app, and I am blowing out every goal it has set for me so far. By, like, miles.

And you know what; they are soooo right when they say that adopting a disciplined approach to fitness will make you feel better right from the start. It does.

I really FEEL good now. I am achieving something, hitting daily app goals, and ultimately making strides towards health. Plus it has me thinking about my eating habits in a new way. Yes, it requires some discipline at times. I mean, OMG … hitting a 150 grams of sodium every day can be a chore if you don’t do at least one fast food meal … and by God, do NOT forget to super-size that crap even if you do hit one because, get the count wrong anyway, you still end up cramming pork rinds into your face by the fistful before bed. Bleh. Been there. Super horrible for acid reflux during the night. I burped up a blast of bile in my sleep two days ago that about set my wife’s hair on fire. Trust me. But, I mean, in the end, no pain no gain, right? Or, technically, no loss. But you get it.

And before you ask, no, I haven’t lost any weight yet. But it’s cool. I read in the fine print somewhere that some people actually gain weight at first when starting a weight loss program. Ironic, but based in actual science and stuff, so I’m not panicking. Everything is going according to plan, apparently. And, I swear to you, it’s so, so easy. You too can do it. Perfect health is your future! Painlessly!

Thank you, My Fitness Pal. You are the BEST.