WARNING: Profanity ahead. Don’t read this if you are my mom or you can’t handle profanity.
How can any company possibly have as terrible customer service as Comcast? It’s like, to suck this bad, they seriously must go out and recruit college students who major in subjects like “Go Fuck Yourself” and “Eat Shit Assface, I Hate You.” They find them, hire them, and have them shape their company direction. There is literally no other way a company could possibly suck as bad as this terrible abortion of anything resembling the idea of customer focused enterprise that is Comcast. God, I hate them.
Now, I get it. This is America. This is 2015. We all pretty much sold out, bent over, and resigned ourselves to taking it up the ass by anyone and everyone that is selling some kind of entertainment. GIVE ME MY FLASHING LIGHT BOX!!! We need our stimulus, baby, and the market delivers what the people want. So, yeah, we got our giant screen TVs and our giant small-screen smartphones and even tiny-ass watch screens now. Don’t let me miss my show, my text, my Instagram!
We all do it, in our own way. A bunch of fucking crack-head losers binge watching Game of Thrones and Orange is the New Black or whatever other stupid ass shows we watch. Or sports. Or just gambling on sports … I mean, uh, Draft Kings <cough> “fantasy sports” <cough>, it’s not the same as gambling, so it’s not a problem that the NFL and whoever else is sponsoring that shit now. It just looks like gambling, but it’s not a duck. Seriously. It’s not. Hey, but at least we don’t have the death of pro boxing and, more recently, FIFA to suggest that’s a horrible idea.
We are such stupid pieces of shit. We keep taking this crap. We pay the bills. I’m paying the bill. I’m not pointing this rant at you, man. I pay my goddamn cable bill too, same as you. Even though this new stupid-ass Xfinity modem they talked me into is shit. It’s such shit. I can’t even express in words how much shit it is and I write for a goddamn living. It’s like, dinosaurs were huge animals, like, the size of huge buildings and they could eat each other, as in they could eat a huge building’s-size worth of meat, and then, maybe some of the meat was rancid or whatever—because they ate it raw—and then they got food poisoning and got diarrhea, except not regular diarrhea but instead the squirts that can fill lakes, so they would spew shits the size of Lake Tahoe, and it was super rancid acidy soup pooh, and then there were thousands of them, too, all doing it, like a super storm of dinosaur herds all shitting Lake Tahoe-sized shits and yet, despite all of that, that still isn’t enough of shit to describe how much shit Comcast is.
But I pay the bill.
Even if it doesn’t work. Like, now that I have “upgraded,” my internet speeds are officially measured on the Slow-as-Shit scale because there is no other scale that measure slowness of this magnitude. Like, I could tie a goddamn USB with my data in it to a fucking pigeon’s leg and have him fly it to your house and it would be faster than me trying to share a video or something with you. These “speeds” are so terrible the unit of measurement isn’t the MPCP (Megabytes Per Carrier Pigeon) but actually now down to the MSLSS (Monkey Swimming a Lake of Shit Speed). If you aren’t familiar with that one, this speed is benchmarked by how long it would take a quadriplegic orangutan with Parkinsons and a horrible meth habit to swim across Lake Tahoe if it was filled with shit. My speed currently rates an F on the MSLSS scale, which, turns out, “F” means that the shit lake is frozen, thus further impeding the monkey’s progress. (Oh, and if you feel inclined to tell me an orangutan isn’t a monkey, you should definitely go fuck yourself right now.)
OH MY GOD FUCK COMCAST SO MUCH.
But it’s my fault. I pay the bill, like I said. So, fuck me. I’m responsible for my own misery. So are you. You are too. You pay for your bill (regardless if it’s Comcast or Verizon or the new nightmare that ATT acquiring DirecTv will become, etc.). You know it sucks, too. You and everyone like us know it, but we keep taking it. And it’s not just that. If it was just that, it would probably be fine. But it’s not.
We take our shitty internet service. We take our shitty products and shitty service at Walmart and even like stores like Kohl’s who charge more for their shit as if there shit isn’t as shitty as Walmart. At least Walmart doesn’t pretend like it sells good shit.
Our banks shit on us. “GO OUTSIDE AND SERVE YOURSELF AT THE ATM, ASSHOLES,” they said in polite and more tactful ways than that. So we did.
You literally cannot get a hold of anyone at the court system if you submit an excuse for jury duty that is totally legitimate. Like, as in, the system is literally, “Yeah, we don’t tell you if you are excused. Keep your eye out for a postcard that will look exactly like junk mail you get by the thousands every day … don’t miss it, but, um, yeah, there is literally no possible way, at all, to contact anyone to make sure. Sorry. Fuck you. Pay your taxes, though.”
And junk mail. How much of that shit do we still get? Like, has anyone ever actually responded to any of that garbage in the last 20 years? Like, ever? Who is actually paying for that? Oh, and, now, awesome, I get “unknown” phone numbers calling my goddamn cell phone all the time now. Junk cell phone calls. They get our numbers every time they hack some idiot company like Walmart, Target or Comcast. Or the US government. Whoever.
Did you know the Chinese actually hacked a hack of our government bigger than the last hack you heard about, the big scary one that basically means almost everyone that ever worked for or was related to anyone who worked for the federal government is compromised? Did you know that? China now actually has hundreds of millions of fingerprint records in addition to all the social security stuff and other shit you are actually worried about now in your comfortable quasi-ignorant contentment, lulled as we all are by the dopey stupor of our flashing light boxes.
Do you realize that we are only just now beginning to talk about “bio metric security” for stuff like credit card machines and even the iPhone banking apps; like, we’re sitting all giddy and excited about how “safe” we’re going to be, and yet the Chinese already have your fingerprints. They have your fingerprints before you even need them to feel like you are safe. They literally have access to them before you do.
Our banks, our companies, our medical system, our insurance (Oh my god, don’t even get me started on how horrible these douche-hole companies are, and you know it, even though you pay your insurance bills like a good little bitch every month). You pay even though you know if you use the very thing you pay for, the rates will skyrocket, you’ll be dropped, or they’ll just find some loophole and tell you to go fuck yourself. And even after that, you’ll keep using it because you might be “a victim of some insurance loophole.” That’s literally the language I heard recently being used in an insurance commercial: “We’ll help keep you safe from becoming a victim of insurance loopholes.”
Like how can an insurance company advertise itself by telling you that there is shit missing in the shit they sell you that will victimize you. It’s a goddamn insurance company. Their commercial is literally like a husband, who married his wife and swore to protect her, saying, “Hey baby, I know I swore to love and protect you, but, if you don’t bone me an extra two times a week, I can’t protect you from the beatings you might get while I’m horny on the off days, you know?”
Seriously, WTF? They are fully admitting that in a commercial, and yet they know that you will shit yourself for fear of being a victim and pay them more money to protect you from the shit that they aren’t already protecting you from for the money they are taking from you … protection that you don’t ever actually use for fear of being victimized by them.
I mean, Goddamn, man, how is that not just obviously evil in the eyes of everyone? But we just write the damn checks. All of us. Even me.
“Victim.” That’s the ironic word of subjugation in our culture now. Everyone is selling you something to prevent you from being a victim: information access, so you don’t be a victim; insurance so you don’t be a victim; safety in this form or that, protection … blah, blah. Anyone who tells you they are protecting you from being a victim is victimizing you. Anyone. Period. 100% of the time. And yes, even your parents. They are over-protecting you, and you are going to be 35 years old living in their house with no life experience and no job for fear of all the bullies and pedophiles and racists and drunk drivers and whatever else out there that can victimize you.
We literally live in this world where everyone that we pay money to claims to be helping or protecting, but if you peel away the crap, since we all now know inside our hearts they are lying, we all know they are really just telling us to go get fucked. But we don’t care. We are a nation of crack whores who are willing to take a giant, shit-stained dinosaur dick in the ass as long as we can keep having our “safety” and our “entertainment” to distract us from our unending, impending dangers. We’ll do anything to not lose our cable access to our stupid Netflix or our cell phone service connection to that chick on Tinder who doesn’t actually want to admit she is looking for a relationship because that would make her needy so instead she sells out her soul and claims her independence so she can maintain her approval card with the feminist activists, who also don’t give a shit about her … just make sure to vote for our candidate we are supporting.
Seriously fuck us.
We have no balls. We keep paying and taking it. And I’m no different, so I’m just ranting. I’m just another dumb sheep using the very internet that sucks this much to write this crap and upload it at astonishingly slow monkey-in-a-frozen-shit-lake speeds so I can feel better, get six people to click like on it, and then when I’m done jacking off to how special I feel that six people acknowledged me, I can go back to playing Heroes Charge or whatever stupid game I play on my phone next to hide my shame.
Seriously, fuck us. We suck.