All posts by John

How My Fitbit Diet Actually Made Me Take LESS Steps per Day

So everyone is all into this goddamn Fitbit crap. And my fat ass, being fat, obviously was a prime target for Fitbit pimps to try to get me to get on board with this step shit. And I mean, I can stand to drop a few lbs anyway, so whatever.

My damn wife got me one of those insipid watches—just like every other health-cult following moron at my work has, not to mention all the suckers on Facebook and apparently the entire world as well.

Fine. I have one too. Happy now? Continue reading How My Fitbit Diet Actually Made Me Take LESS Steps per Day

A Bug Named Sisyphus

An earwig got into our bathtub somehow. It’s a guest room tub, hardly ever used, and I think they crawl up a drain pipe or something. There are often little spiders or other small insects that get into it. They seldom can get out though, for the sides of the tub are smooth plastic.

So I was watching this earwig trying to climb up the end of the tub. The sides and front part, where the faucet and drain are, are pretty much vertical, but the end of the tub has at least a theoretically assailable degree of slope. So here’s this earwig trying to get up that slope, all its little bug legs scrambling, its length twisting side to side as it tries to snake its way up. But, nope. Slides right back down every time. Continue reading A Bug Named Sisyphus

Fat Profiling and the Deconstruction of White Male Privilege

So I got fat profiled today at the gym. That was awesome. Not really. Could have gone forever without that happening. Pissed me off, honestly, but I’m trying to move past it. It’s just that it’s kind of messing with me.

Profiling is supposed to be for other people. Not me. I’m white, male, and heterosexual. I am supposed to have more white privilege than anyone. Modern media has preached endlessly for two decades that my assigned role in modern society is to be the most reviled demographic but also the most privileged. Which means no profiling. Of any kind. Ever. It’s like a rule.

And yet, I have now been profiled anyway. I was fat profiled.

I was like, WTF? Where is my immunity? Continue reading Fat Profiling and the Deconstruction of White Male Privilege

Who Looks Over the Wall? Seriously. We Need a New 2nd Amendment.

I hate to start a blog post with profanity, but, seriously, who the fuck looks over the wall? Like, everyone knows you don’t do that. Everyone. As in, literally every person on the planet knows this. But it happened anyway. To me. Today.

So, to catch you up, here’s what happened:

I’m at work. It’s about an hour in, plus with an hour’s drive to get there (thanks to the awesome new move my company did that they didn’t ask my two cents about). So, yeah, two hours since I woke up, had a drive, did some work, and quaffed a Pepsi—no I don’t drink coffee, but do appreciate caffeine—and it’s still only 7:17 a.m.

So there I am, in need of my, erm, morning constitutional. Peristalsis doing its magic in my bowels, etc., and, like all regular and predictable processes in the universe, like sun rises and carbon half-life, and all those things in nature which can be counted on and predictable, it was time for me to drop a deuce. Continue reading Who Looks Over the Wall? Seriously. We Need a New 2nd Amendment.

Finally, a Fitness App That Works for My Fat Ass!!!!!

So I saw this fitness app on the news the other day. They had done a study on a bunch of them and were running down the top five finishers. My Fitness Pal was the winner, best of the lot. Numero uno. There were four other top-notch ones—all great for different features and reasons—but I drink a lot and the only thing shorter than my memory is my attention span. So My Fitness Pal is the one I got.

I’m going to be honest. I thought the whole thing was going to be bullshit. “Hey, give us access to all your phone data and fat data, and we’ll spam you with ads.” But, whatever. It was on the news, and my ponderous ass needs to drop some LBS, yo.

So let me tell you: this thing is fantastic! Continue reading Finally, a Fitness App That Works for My Fat Ass!!!!!

Prude, Pragmatist, or Pervert?

I’m having a real dilemma after today’s lunch adventure in my new work neighborhood. I feel like I might be a prude of the worst order. But, then, maybe not. What happened today could simply prove that I am a pervert who doesn’t know how to deal with reality. Maybe I’m just, like, pathetic or something. I truly don’t know. Somewhere in all of this is some kind of truth. Maybe. If there is such a thing. All I know for sure is that what follows is the reality of my day. So here goes: Continue reading Prude, Pragmatist, or Pervert?

Why Transgender Dudes Aren’t Going to Rape Our Wimmins

This picture/meme came over my Facebook feed today. I’ve seen several like it recently. I don’t know if I’ve just had the right amount of beer tonight or what, but I saw that and couldn’t not say something. And before I do, I’d like to point out that I am and have always been a registered Republican. Full-on gun owner. The whole nine yards. I am also a husband and father. Less than six months ago, I was at a McDonalds with my 23-year-old daughter and saw a man—dressed as a man—follow her into the bathroom. On nothing but reflex, I was up and into the women’s restroom after him. He was in a stall peeing, door open, fully exposed. I made him incredibly uncomfortable glaring at him—I’m rather large at 6’4, 340 lbs, and yes, I do work out in addition to all the beer fat, and no, there was nothing but hate in me—definitely no interest as to why he was in there. I just wanted to break him. Continue reading Why Transgender Dudes Aren’t Going to Rape Our Wimmins

Alien Outcomes – February 2016 update – Book 6 of the Galactic Mage Series

The End - first draft Alien Outcomes

At long last and, yes, at least 6 months behind schedule (and surely to be another 6 at least), I’ve finished the first draft of book 6 of the Galactic Mage series. That image there is a screen shot of the actual “The End” that you will, hopefully, one day read. I never delete that once I’ve typed it. Even with massive revisions, or were I to dump that whole chapter, I’d copy and paste that “The End” to the new stuff. Call me silly, call me superstitious, it’s all probably true. It’s fine.

You may notice that I’ve changed the title back to the original title back to Alien Outcomes, which those paying close attention will notice that entertained simply Outcomes for a long time more recently. But, that’s what it is, and, finally, it’s ready for editing. Continue reading Alien Outcomes – February 2016 update – Book 6 of the Galactic Mage Series

Political Posts as Social Media Terrorism


I am proposing a political-post ceasefire for December. It’s the end of the year; it’s the Christmas and Hanukkah holidays for many, and, well, what we all need right now is niceness. We need forgiveness. We need people to be kind to one another and stop, at least for a time, with all the half-true political posts, the snarky memes meant to piss some people off while preaching to the choir of those who agree with. We need a general willingness that we will stop posting things knowing full well someone out there will be made to feel bad, mad, or sad upon seeing it. And don’t tell me you don’t do that, because you know perfectly well that sometimes you like or share something knowing full well it’s going to piss at least someone off. I’m not claiming innocence here. I do it, too. But we should stop.

“But why?” you say. And, well, the answer is simple:
Because it’s not nice. Nor is it going to change anything. Continue reading Political Posts as Social Media Terrorism

Comcast Sucks: a Super Profane Rant – Do Not Read

WARNING: Profanity ahead. Don’t read this if you are my mom or you can’t handle profanity. 

How can any company possibly have as terrible customer service as Comcast? It’s like, to suck this bad, they seriously must go out and recruit college students who major in subjects like “Go Fuck Yourself” and “Eat Shit Assface, I Hate You.” They find them, hire them, and have them shape their company direction. There is literally no other way a company could possibly suck as bad as this terrible abortion of anything resembling the idea of customer focused enterprise that is Comcast. God, I hate them. Continue reading Comcast Sucks: a Super Profane Rant – Do Not Read